For much of my life, I have struggled with decision-making. It wasn’t until my forties, after many years of uncertainty and the feeling that something wasn’t quite right with every job or relationship I entered into, that I came to understand what was behind this lack of self-trust. This revelation has come after many years of therapy, research and personal development work—and it’s one of the most exciting things I have discovered. I’m so excited to share it with you because it’s as simple as a small mindset shift, but it is completely life-changing.
We’re Socialized to Put Our Needs Last
As children, we are often socialized to ignore our emotions and prioritize seeking external validation from the adults in our lives. We are taught to suppress our emotions and conform to societal norms. We are told when to eat, sleep, and behave in certain ways, regardless of how we feel. We are also often punished or shamed for expressing negative emotions, leading to a fear of being authentic and vulnerable.
It’s no wonder then, that as adults, we struggle with a lack of self-awareness and have difficulty setting boundaries, making decisions, and prioritizing our own needs. It’s no wonder that so many of us are unable to recognize and express our emotions, and constantly grapple with feelings of confusion, anxiety, and disconnection. This can have long-lasting effects on our ability to make confident decisions, trust our intuition, and live fulfilling lives as adults.
How I Became a Boundary Boss
My personal development journey really began mid-way through the COVID-19 pandemic, when, after yet another “off” relationship, I started to read and learn about the codependent-narcissist dynamic in relationships. If you think that this article no longer applies to you, keep reading. Because codependents essentially put narcissists’ needs above their own. And that’s something any run-of-the-mill people pleaser can do. And it’s really detrimental to their own well-being.
After some research, I stumbled across, The Personal Development School and signed up for the course Discover, Embrace and Fulfill Your Personal Needs.
One of my greatest unfulfilled needs, I discovered through this course, was the need for respect, and that led to me learning about boundaries. Online, I learned about the book Boundary Boss. It had an interesting ring to it and came highly recommended, so I picked it up from my local library.
One night I settled into my bed and cracked open the hardcover book. I began reading, and as the author, Teri Cole, recounted years and decades of people-pleasing with her (mostly unconscious) goal of seeking approval—only to feel constantly drained and emotionally off-kilter with an explosion of anger every few months to release the feelings of resentment—I was dumbfounded. This is what I had been doing all of my life.
I immediately ordered a copy on Amazon (I rarely do that) and I read it again. And again. And again.
Boundary Boss was giving me permission to put myself first, to say “No” as much as I wanted—even to my boss, my mom, my boyfriend, or my landlord—and to not feel an ounce of guilt about it.
The book was the first step on the journey to getting to know my true self: my feelings, my thoughts, my needs and my wants. It was also the first step on a long journey towards trusting my instincts and becoming clearer and more confident in my decision-making, without seeking advice or approval from friends, family—or the Starbucks barista.
The book was one of the greatest and most life-changing gifts I have given myself, and my wish is that all people pleasers read this blog post so that they too can experience the empowerment that comes along with the magic words “No”, “No Thank You, “Sorry, I’m Committed That Evening,” and so on.
10 Ways to Reconnect With Your Intuition and Become a More Aligned Decision-Maker
Along with picking up a copy of the book, reading it, and completing all of the exercises (in your Zen Den, as the author suggests), there are a few other habits you can incorporate into your life to help you get back in touch with your emotions, prioritize self-awareness and self-compassion, and live a more fulfilling life.
- Practice mindfulness: Begin a daily meditation practice (you can start with as little as 5 minutes every morning). Over time, this will train your brain to become aware of your thoughts and feelings that arise throughout the rest of the day. Those thoughts and feelings are valuable information for you to use in designing a life that is aligned with the true you (not the one society says you’re supposed to have). I have worked my way up to 20 minutes every morning.
- Journal: Write down your emotions and experiences at the end of the day, like the stoics do, to process and reflect on them. Celebrate your wins and learn from the struggles.
- Seek therapy: A trained therapist can help you explore and process your emotions. As tempting as it is, don’t use them to seek validation for your feelings—this would only be falling back into those people-pleasing patterns. See them as a caring, supportive sounding board.
- Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend. If something hard happens in your life, give yourself grace and time to acknowledge the pain, the humiliation, the anger, or whatever feelings are coming up. Recognize that others are going, or have gone, through something similar.
- Develop emotional intelligence: Learn to sit with and understand your own emotions as well as those of others. There are many courses and books that can support you in this.
- Practice self-care: At the beginning of every week, schedule in activities that make you feel good, whether it’s exercise, relaxation or hobbies.
- Connect with others: Seek out supportive relationships with people who value and validate your emotions. Surround yourself with friends, family, colleagues and mentors who stimulate you, inspire you and make you feel expansive. A good way to test this is to ask yourself: When I’m with them, does my gut and heart feel open and a bit elated, or do I feel contracted like I want to protect myself? If it’s the latter, try to keep your distance. You feel that way for a reason.
- Explore your values: Identify what is most important to you and align your decisions and actions with those values. You can find exercises online to help you with this.
- Design a Life That Works For You: Your daily life needs to sustain you, and be sustainable. We live in an abundant universe where all things are possible. If your body and soul needs to work part-time so you can create art two days a week, make that a goal.
- Practice decision-making: Build confidence in your ability to trust your own intuition and make choices that align with your values and priorities by practicing making small decisions boldly. Start with confidently placing your brunch order. Then work up to medium decisions (which piano teacher to hire for your child’s after-school lessons), and larger decisions (whether to sell your home or stay put). When journalling, reflect on the decisions you make throughout the day. Applaud yourself for the times you were confident and bold.
By prioritizing self-awareness, self-compassion, and emotional intelligence, you can learn to recognize and honor your emotions, set boundaries, and make decisions that lead to greater fulfillment and happiness. You got this!
Tell me, do you, or have you struggled with decision-making? What has helped you navigate this?
